I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize