My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
