i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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