i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
