Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
