She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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