I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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