So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
