Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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