There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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