I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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