Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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