I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
