I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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