somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Is it penis luge time yet?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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