It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Randomize
