woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
