sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
