Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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