who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
