He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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