you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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