my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
