Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
