Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
