I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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