Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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