Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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