dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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