I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You are a genius and a whore.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
