I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
