upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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