the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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