Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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