TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
