I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize