My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
