So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
