its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
