Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
