i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I am mentally ready for anal.
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