I could make wine with my vomit
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
