Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
