Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
