Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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