When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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