Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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