I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
