i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
