I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Michael Bay diarrhea
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
