i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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