My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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