my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize