All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
