I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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