you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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