She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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