in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
