Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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