it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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