found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
